Throughout my collegiate adventures I have, at times, adopted a disgustingly unhealthy lifestyle. Beyond almost completely losing my muscle definition at times, I have also managed to nearly pass out from lack of sleep, hydration, and nutrition. I’ve logged countless hours at local PC bangs, binging on ramen noodles and Red Bull. But worst of all, I sullied my gaming peripherals.
It was not easy to make it this far, but I have managed to keep remnants of my experiences within my memory to bring you a warning of the most dangerous snacks to eat while gaming. These snacks are able to harm you in a plethora of ways, ruining your gaming experience and enabling the feed machine that you stifle deep down.
5. Saltine Crackers
So innocent and pure, these morsels have a deathly dehydrating detail. Despite almost no nutritional gain or loss from eating saltine crackers, they can dry up your entire mouth in a matter of seconds. Just try eating six of them in a minute. When you’re gaming, there’s no time to get up for water; with these crackers, you’ll be thirstier than League of Hunnies members.
4. Sour Patch Kids
Any sour-powdered candy fits the bill here. They will dissolve your taste buds and erode the inside of your mouth, leaving behind only pain where sweet tartness used to reside. When you reach for these gummy snacks, the white powder will inevitably shower between the letters of your keyboard. What will your friends and family think when they see your desk laced with an unidentifiable, white, powdery substance?
An ‘American’ classic, pizza finds its way into every gaming station somehow, whether it is delivered from Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, or Domino’s. At the end of the day, it’s all the same to a gamer – your hands will have more oil than a ‘happy ending’ masseuse. The crumb count is an added bonus of this sad excuse for a meal.
They are my chip of choice, especially the ‘Sweet Chili Heat’ variety. But these snacks leave behind a particularly painful problem: Doritos Fingers. Your appendages become so delicious that you end up permanently fixated with sucking on them. Any chip lover will become so mesmerized that even Freud would be made proud. Doritos are also among the most crumby of chips, able to leave behind countless traces. I love them though, and I will never betray my timeless tortillas.
1. Haribo Gummies
I pay homage here to the most legendary of snacks to date. Its ability to cleanse your entire digestive system is unmatched by even a Quicksilver Sash. These sugar-free gummies are quite delicious, with a bouncy texture and delicate taste. But they truly are the devil. Let this Amazon review explain for me:
“all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare… I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste.”
Thank you Christine E. Torok for that wonderful description. In these highly action-packed games we compete in today, there is little time for bowel relief. Stay away from the Haribo – you will thank me some day.
The following video contains strong language.
Don’t end up like this.