The other day I primed myself for a ranked game. As per usual, my queue time was long enough for me to cook dinner, do my 4 month late taxes, and create an entirely new stock portfolio; but something was different this time around – my senses were dulled and the light inside my brain was flickering anemically. These 5 things really pointed out to me, just how washed up I’ve become at this life-draining game.
1. They didn’t know me, I didn’t know them
In a player base of roughly 500 people (most of the people in Master have duplicate accounts there, myself included), I managed to not recognize a single person in my game. Though after about 30 minutes, I finally deciphered Archour to be Arcsecond, after struggling with strange pronunciations of ‘archer’ and ‘are-chore’.
2. Ashe was mechanically overwhelming
After being auto-filled to support – godbless Riot – another player on my team actually wanted the role, giving me his marksman assignment. I picked Ashe, you know, the champion that you get during tutorial – the one I made fun of for fitting fatheads and other washed up players. But when I (unsuccessfully) went for my first last hit, her footsteps felt foreign to me and her fragile health bar was too delicate for my brawny hands.
3. My team congratulated me for a kill
Not a hint of sarcasm in their felicitations… My support actually said “good job Ashe” after I managed to kill the enemy Lucian by pressing 3 buttons. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even play AD, and there was no way he was a Master player. I had never felt so patronized; it was pitiful really.
4. 20 minutes – 102 CS
Even supposedly washed up xPeke playing his off-role is doing a better job last hitting than me. I’m still not sure how I managed to get such a miniscule amount of farm, especially given that I had built a Runaan’s Hurricane. I was being selfless?.. Maybe?
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5. Post-Game Fatigue
The enemy surrendered after 20 exhausting minutes. I had thoroughly enjoyed my tenure back on the rift against top notch competition, most importantly, emerging a victor. Strangely enough, I was satiated for once. As if I had just come out of an all-you-can-eat sushi joint, I craved nothing more than to enter a blissful coma. The thirst of climbing ranked had been quenched from my vessel.
I will be searching in the next months for a new desire – a greater ambition. I think I need a new game mode. Maybe, if they release something innovative. Solo queue perhaps?
